The Greek Gods

First there was Chaos. It was all a big mess. Gaia was a flaky hippie in most people's eyes but she tried her best. Both her sons had clean sandals and never wanted for a glass of ambrosia. Nonetheless, things were difficult for the first gods. Gaias first born boy Tartarus was wearing far too much black and never cleaned up his bedroom and his little brother Eros was moping around the house sighing and looking annoyingly wistful; patently he in love again. Being a single mother on Mount Olympus was hard work and Gaia missed grown up company.

Later that day she noticed the heavenly Uranus, with his strong, straight nose, golden flowing locks of hair and really tight Levis mowing the lawn. He was a quiet one, but he did look amazing and for Gaia feelings stirred.

Ok, that was another bad mistake. Never sleep with a hyper-fertile God. Shouldn't someone have warned her? 12 new kids to look after. The Titans! a whole soccer team of proto gods with full nappies and... what was that stirring inside. Ye Gods not more babies. This next lot were an ugly bunch. Cyclopses with faces only a mother could love, and love them she did.

Uranus, on the other hand, couldn't even look at his new babies, the cyclopses, and one night he took them away and hid them in a cave. That was hardly a fine example of good parenting and now Gaia snapped. The case for the defense was that because he stole her babies Gaia was justified in sending Cronos, the youngest Titan to chop daddy's knackers off and chuck them in the Med.

But of course these family jewels had belonged to a God, so a billion sperm entered the sea, looking for a suitable place to rest. One found the west wind and as it approached Cyprus, the fresh new Goddess Aphrodite sprang ashore, looking fantastic with flowers blooming all around her and a wispy bit of cloth to tastefully hide a little of her nakedness... but not too much.

Back at home up on Olympus things had not improved. Since Cronos did the dirty on his dad, he had got ideas above his station and had taken a shine to his own sister Rhea who was now the mother of a whole new set of gods. However Cronos was a man with appetites and ate the kids, swallowing them whole. Rhea hid little Zeus before Daddy could swallow him and when he grew up he challenged his horrid father. "Dad, fancy an arm wrestle?" he asked. Quite why an arm wrestle was considered a good way of getting rid of your mass murdering incestuous rapist father has been lost in the mists of time.

Anyway to cut a long story short, Zeus freed anyone who could be freed, killed anyone who should have been killed and sat himself at the top of the table in the Mount Olympus town hall. And that is how it happened.

Visit the Greek Islands and enjoy the reality behind the myths.